Understanding nothing is hard

Where do i begin.....

dear diary i think i might be going mad.....

The concept of religion is one that not only fascinates me, but utterly baffels my impotent mind. I have recently decided that i am an agnostic. Its a concept my mother and family finds hard to believe. They say "gods gonna punish you" well then i respond with "what if he doesnt even exist". Which goes without to say that it offends them, which really doesnt bother me in the least bit. I dont have much to say after that. ha

To quote or not to quote.

Yesterday was very interesting. I for some reason heard really cool quotes all day. Here are some i heard.

"let him who seeks peace, prepare for war" I thought this was quote was very cool. Its like it applies to everyone. It kinda means like the person who wants peace will fight to keep it that way. No matter how good things are in life there is always someone there trying to bring you down. Well, at least thats what i think it means. I could be totally wrong. I would also consider getting this as a tattoo.

"There have been tyrants and murderers and for a time they seem invincible but in the end, they always fall -- think of it, ALWAYS." Muhatma Ghandi. I like this one too. It is very true when you think about it.

This quote is probably among my favortie quotes its by an artist Shawn Cross. "Along with my happiness i myself begin to slip away into the darkenss, hoping to meet my happiness at the bottom." It is a quote i dont fully understand, or maybe i do in my subconscious. I really dont know. I feel it could mean that when your at your most depressed or sadness you could still find something that makes you happy when you at your lowest. Who knows?

Anyways, so there you have it. I guess.

Time ticks away these last few moments.

Well, today is my birthday and to be quite honest i feel really old. Although im only 24, it feels like my life is half over already. I had a dream last night of me being somewhere in my 70's. It was pretty scary considering i really don't want to live past 60. Can you imagine being that old? At that point in your life thats when you start to need help with such simple tasks. I would like to just die before i get to that age. Anyways i feel pretty depressed these days, i have nothing to live for it seems. Im not going to college anymore and still not getting my music degree. It hurts like nothing you have ever known before. I still play my guitar but not like i used to. Im not so attached like i was. I still make music i still love music, but i just feel like if i continue doing this; its like encouraging the dieing. I HATE IT! Soon enough i will become what others before me have become. Not much. I will probably get some regular job. Live an average to less than average life. Which it seems like i have already accepted it. I have admitted defeat. I always felt like i was something more, but reality hits fast and hard. Reality is one of those unbiased, unforgiving things that you wish you never knew.

You know the one thing that i am proud of this year is quit smoking. I dont want to tell my family or friends in the event that i should relapse. haha. Its been 6 weeks since ive had a cigarette and i feel fine, but there are those days that i have cravings like a pregnant woman wants some food. But i do control it. Horray me.

The high end of low

My summer seems to just be rambling on. I cant get into a groove to practice my guitar for some reason. I have my moments where i would compose for about four hours and practice my guitar for like one hour and fuck around with the guitar like two hours. Lately i have just been laying around the house doing nothing it seems. I cant find a job and thats because i've been looking like crazy. Im probably gonna ramble for a little right now. Lots of things seem to be happening to everyone but ME. dont know why but it is. I cant seem to find any decent parties or chicks or anything, things appear to be changing finding out what it is that is changing is gonna be the thing that will take the most time. Sleep. Sleep is good when i get it but there are times when i would sleep for a couple of hours for every three or four days. Sleep deprevation, i think not. Just thoughts that plague my mind. Dreams i think i dream, but a dream it is not. Wonder what these things i think of are that keep me up so vigil through the night. It seems i trade one for another and another for the same. Tried to live with the Carpe Diem style but ended with minimum efferts that l can pathetically say triumphed. Learning died. Living has subsided to an all time low.

dont know what any of this means but oh well.

Intersting

Today i took my cousin to do a psychological evalutation. Before i get to my point i was reading a book named "Man Watching". It is about nonverbal communication, and understanding what people mean by their gestures. It goes into great detail about the orgins of theses gestures. Well, anyways.

While i was waiting in the waiting room i saw four other people there. A young girl about thirteen or fourteen. An other girl in her mid twenties, A forty year old woman the kind thats rich and gets botox i figured and thirty-something year old man. I thought to my self why are they all here for; to talk to a shrink, really. None of them did paper work so i made a discision that they have been there before. Some even knew the receptionist by her first name. It made me wonder if any of them have ever been commited. The mid twenties girl had good posture, but the way she looked at the different people felt like she thought she was being judged by all of them it seemed. You know the look, its kind of like a self conscious look with awkward movements. When she moved her arms you could see the slash marks on her wrist that she tried to cover with bracelets or bangles I then thought that this is a chick who tried to commit suicide, but obiously failed at it. I thought to myself if this chick really had problems or was it like she got pissed off at her boyfriend kind of thing. In my head i could visualize here stareing at the soft white walls in the assylum. Wondering if she knew that her suicide attempt would have put her there locked in a room with hard beds and a small window to look out of. And if she knew that she would be put there, would she have done it in the first place. If she looked in retrospect probably not. I really reflected on my life at this point. Is my life really that bad. No. But there are times when i feel that it is, and the next time i think it is i'll think about the girl who has slash marks on her wrist and think its not really all that bad now is it.

"life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced" Soren Kierkegaard

Well, things always come to an end

Well, tomorrow i will be on my way to houston along with all my family members to see my grandmother. Just this past wednesday we got some very horrible news. My grandmother is dying and she will not make it to the end of the year. The doctors say she can die any given day if the conditions are right. Its very saddening to know that my grandmother is not gonna see the end of the year. She used to feed me bathe me and spank me when i was bad. She used to be the only one that would make me go to church. Well, last year she got sick and needed dialysis, but she refused to be connected by machines. Therefore, her kidneys are starting to fail. My mind lately hasnt been in the right place and now seems even more disfunct. So many thoughts, ideas and situations are just running rampant in my head; that it is very hard to stay focused. And i know that death is inevitable, but when its faced to you or your loved ones, it changes your perspective on things. Lately lots of things have been different. Colors seem a little dull. Foods have lost taste. The air i breathe seems so forced.

In Moderation i think

Its weird, i know 2 people who have died and 2 peole who are severly injured in the past 48 hours. It brings me back to life. Sometimes i feel i might be having fun with life a little to much ya know. I wonder will i end up like them. It is a scary thought that brings me back in to focus. It is an eyeopener to say the least. i do wonder though