Understanding nothing is hard

Where do i begin.....

dear diary i think i might be going mad.....

The concept of religion is one that not only fascinates me, but utterly baffels my impotent mind. I have recently decided that i am an agnostic. Its a concept my mother and family finds hard to believe. They say "gods gonna punish you" well then i respond with "what if he doesnt even exist". Which goes without to say that it offends them, which really doesnt bother me in the least bit. I dont have much to say after that. ha

To quote or not to quote.

Yesterday was very interesting. I for some reason heard really cool quotes all day. Here are some i heard.

"let him who seeks peace, prepare for war" I thought this was quote was very cool. Its like it applies to everyone. It kinda means like the person who wants peace will fight to keep it that way. No matter how good things are in life there is always someone there trying to bring you down. Well, at least thats what i think it means. I could be totally wrong. I would also consider getting this as a tattoo.

"There have been tyrants and murderers and for a time they seem invincible but in the end, they always fall -- think of it, ALWAYS." Muhatma Ghandi. I like this one too. It is very true when you think about it.

This quote is probably among my favortie quotes its by an artist Shawn Cross. "Along with my happiness i myself begin to slip away into the darkenss, hoping to meet my happiness at the bottom." It is a quote i dont fully understand, or maybe i do in my subconscious. I really dont know. I feel it could mean that when your at your most depressed or sadness you could still find something that makes you happy when you at your lowest. Who knows?

Anyways, so there you have it. I guess.

Time ticks away these last few moments.

Well, today is my birthday and to be quite honest i feel really old. Although im only 24, it feels like my life is half over already. I had a dream last night of me being somewhere in my 70's. It was pretty scary considering i really don't want to live past 60. Can you imagine being that old? At that point in your life thats when you start to need help with such simple tasks. I would like to just die before i get to that age. Anyways i feel pretty depressed these days, i have nothing to live for it seems. Im not going to college anymore and still not getting my music degree. It hurts like nothing you have ever known before. I still play my guitar but not like i used to. Im not so attached like i was. I still make music i still love music, but i just feel like if i continue doing this; its like encouraging the dieing. I HATE IT! Soon enough i will become what others before me have become. Not much. I will probably get some regular job. Live an average to less than average life. Which it seems like i have already accepted it. I have admitted defeat. I always felt like i was something more, but reality hits fast and hard. Reality is one of those unbiased, unforgiving things that you wish you never knew.

You know the one thing that i am proud of this year is quit smoking. I dont want to tell my family or friends in the event that i should relapse. haha. Its been 6 weeks since ive had a cigarette and i feel fine, but there are those days that i have cravings like a pregnant woman wants some food. But i do control it. Horray me.